It was in a Greek class, translating through Ephesians, where we found the name my ex-wife and I would give our daughter almost 15 years later. It’s been over a decade since ἀληθεἰα ἐν ἀγάπῃ (“truth in love”) was tattooed on my forearms. It’s been a lot longer learning what it means.

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ”

Ephesians 4:15

The Apostle Paul starts this statement with “rather,” contrasting how we have lived as double-minded children before. The sentences leading up to verse 15 are all about the community of Christians, about being united and growing together to mature in our faith. It covers service, bearing with one another, and a bunch of good, healthy stuff. Instead of being like the world with its games and masks, we invited to be sincere and authentic.

Truth and love play important roles in this chapter but this particular phrase, “speaking the truth in love,” is a particular favorite for many. For this post, we’ll focus on truth. The terrifying implications of love will be for a future blog post.

Technically, it doesn’t say “speaking” the truth. Rather, it’s ἀληθεύω-ing; being truthful and living truthfully. When one takes out the “speaking” part and rereads it that way, it’s clear the call isn’t just to say true things lovingly. It’s more than just what we say. The call is to be true, honest, transparent, and vulnerable. It’s behavior, situations, and nuance. There are no layers, tricks, guessing games, or secrets. It’s not that we are an open book but that if you read our book, it would match the person in front of you.

Being “true” is a whole different thing than just speaking truthfully. We can choose what we will be truthful about and ignore the rest. We can defend and justify ourselves almost without ever a thought. Speaking truthfully is hard without letting our twisted perceptions mess with our words. Speaking truthfully in love feels sometimes humanly impossible. Being true in love…well, ok…that is not just a check box or a step – it’s an ideal and a complete way of living and thinking.

“Truthing” in Love

Paul was talking to a group of Ephesian Christians about what being a church is about and looks like – it looks like each of us is a seamless member of a whole human body. We’re interconnected, honest, caring, selfless, serving, brave, good, patient, etc. The job of church roles is to empower the people to serve others (i.e. ministry).

The result of the Gospel, in Paul’s eyes, was that we could live this way, that would be “truthing” in love. It reminds me of John’s walking in the light, having fellowship with one another, and confessing our sins to each other. For us to have communities where love and truth are the norm, whether “church” or just in our life, we individually have to strive to get the stuff in us right so we can live that way.

Living that way, really sticking to it, means things like complaining, exaggerating, minimizing, maneuvering, avoiding, denial, projection, arrogance, defensiveness, excuses, cognitive biases, mental health, unresolved trauma, and how the way we relate to our partner and children we will have to face and get handles on. It feels like death because it’s an older, more experienced version of ourselves running around in our minds.

Interestingly, “truth” (and “love”) show up three times in chapter 4. After Paul has said plenty on how the community of believers is meant to function, he reiterates, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” I am not sure if this is what Paul is doing, but I wonder if he is retrofitting Leviticus 19:18 (“Love your neighbor as yourself”) for “truth”. Maybe because we don’t truly love unless we can love in truth. When I don’t accept someone as they are, I’m rejecting truth.

Relational Necessities

This is essential. How else do you have healthy relationships, healthy people, and healthy outcomes without truth and love? Without truth, there’s no communication – just dysfunction. Without love, there’s no cooperation, listening, or relationship. Being true in love means we can see, be seen, and keep going together as we are.

Truth and Love are tattooed on my body in a couple of ways now. I write them at the closing of my journal almost every day. I understand for me as a human why the call to be truth in love rips at every part I find security in. It highlights my ego and where I am still more comfortable being hidden rather than seen. Inversely, it shows me how and where I avoid seeing and hearing so I don’t have to deal with either truth or love.

Ephesians 4:15 is not about talking to non-Christians about the Gospel. It isn’t about confronting people with their sins. Sure, it could include those. This is about being, about a way of living. Love and Truth working together produce life. The consequences of sin is death, the inverse of the fruit of the Spirit. It kills relationships and violates our identity. Ephesians 4:15 is about living a different way than we were living before. It calls each person, you and I, not them, to be naked and unashamed, without condemnation, and lovingly walking in light. We can’t walk in the light without love. It means doing it when the people closest to us aren’t. It means we don’t forget forgiveness, that we all can choose shame. It means we act in Truth and Love more than in Less-Truth and Less-Love.

Paul’s Ephesians 4 Conclusion

To make it clear that truth is an essential part of our human relationships, the Apostle concludes his big point by first reminding his readers they had “put away falsehood” so they needed to live differently.

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil….” (Ephesians 4:25-26). He talks about human behavior and relationship stuff. And then, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (v.31-32).