The last Now update was accidentally posted in the Archives, but I meant to come back to redo it. I was barely in place to manage my daily routine then. In that update, I wanted to come back to that with a bit more candor, and a status update on the Christian Mystic (i.e., Drunk Pastor) side of life.

A lot has happened in 4 1/2 years…a lot needed to. A verse that still hauntingly hovers inside my head is “the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable” (Romans 11:29).

There was still a lot of shame about my past, about what I had done, where I was at in life, and even about the wholeness and peace I was finding along the way. I was depressed, kids were often on my mind, swallowing a lot of uncomfortable truths about myself, and appreciating the relief and joy without falling into a self-flagellating funk.

Before the end of the year, I was leaning more and more on AA. God confronted me about having received so much from a community and still being unwilling to give back and finally open up to them. My prayers for another sponsor were answered, too. There was a lot of good, honest progress being made. It was also bringing more stuff up. That pedantic, emotionally sensitive side, quick to anger and with a defense, was clearly within my vision. Another round of blind spots had piled up, while there were rocks that needed to be finally dropped and more things accepted.

At the end of January, a girlfriend of 2 1/2 years and I broke up, which was rough. It took a while to sort through and heal from. Before that could happen, my birthday was coming, which I was going to be focused on doing alone, and for good reasons. There was some learning to be content alone again that needed revisiting…and it kind of became a Lent thing.

At the same time, a sibling of mine was having a mental health crisis that was getting out of control. This brought up family issues I was also working through again in AA with Steps 4 & 6 (for those that know). It brought a lot to a head quickly.

During February, I was blessed to be welcomed into a sweat lodge community full of people in recovery. It was something I was longing for and needed, especially with everything going on. After two sweats in February, it brought a lot of needed medicine, taught me a lot about prayer and community, started humbling my pride and guardedness, and helped me start getting over some personal things. My horns had grown too long, and my tail had been dragging for awhile.

Another thing was a small AA meeting that almost shut down last year, but was a lifeline for me, became a service opportunity, and it just sort of happened. I’ve been helping chair a meeting, and it taught me more about getting out of the way, the power of being honest about what’s going on, even when I’m not perfect, and also kept pointing out the same areas for growth.

It’s amazing how breakdowns can be breakthroughs. And annoying how so many lessons simply require accepting seemingly competing truths, like how loneliness may have to be gone through to finally find true belonging, or how my own boundaries taught me to finally respect the ones others had to set. Shame is a demon, and ego is a sneaky bitch.

God made it apparent that I needed to slow down and wrap some things up. That meant a lot of things IRL, which partly explains why there’s been a shortage of writing and updates coming out of Drunk Pastor. Things were paused, not abandoned, while needed progress was being made in the source material and my person. An accurate self-assessment and another fearless moral inventory were in dire need.

One of the things I’ve wrapped up has been the Christian Mysticism section on this site, and another is the Elijah-Elisha study that will be developed into an ebook over the next couple of months. After that last blog post was done, though, I hit pause on blogging for a bit. In essence, that study gave me what I was looking for and made me realize I was studying for studying’s sake, still performative and manic searching, trying to be overly confident in my material and capabilities, and that this stuff was, in fact, sane. It was time to move on to other things.

The next thing on the docket to unpause is the Bible in Context (or whatever it ends up getting called) class, as well as taking that content and making another ebook from it (there’s a WIP summary for each book under Biblical Exegesis). Writing through the Gospel of John is still the priority, and Nietzsche’s book and a notepad still sit next to the bedside table for a sequel and answer back to Zarathustra. And I need to crank out a late Existential Hangover newsletter.

My old vim and vigor is being channeled more into Stigma Marketing & Development, while over here, I’m trying to wrap up and update things, to “finalize” it, then let it be what it is for a while. So, expect some more changes and tweaks coming in the next few weeks to the overall website.

To everyone who has helped me, who didn’t stop believing, and to everyone I hurt and burned along the way, from Mrs. Starkey and Mr. Morris in ninth grade, to my children and their mom, past churches and the UM Business program and Recovery Centers of Montana, sponsors, counselors, and coaches, extended family members and close ones, and every person in between, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been, and grateful for each of you.

Looking back, it’s breathtaking how much change has happened, and how much I simply wasn’t able to trust it yet. Thank you to everyone who has been along for the first two years of this ride. I’m authentically excited bout the next two coming.

Miss an update? Or just looking for some toilet reading?