“If anyone wants to follow after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.“
– Matthew 16:24

I get an idea and I have to go for it. It’s one of those things that is a “me” thing, and it was quickly observed in my second child. All three of my kids have it – their mother has it too. It’s nothing unique to me. I bet you do too. We all have those moments when we get moved or something hits us and we’re all in. It’s the things we become stubborn about or hyper-fixated on.

This “all in” thing has been a pain for me to wrestle with since getting sober. It has been a blessing and a curse. Finally committing to things while having that extreme imposter syndrome and compulsive need to understand but finally being able to get over my crap and dragging a tote bag of immaturities… ended up being a perfect cocktail for an unhealthy drive to “fix me.” It’s ended up teaching me that “fixing” doesn’t work, and all-in-or-nothing has something to it.

The Sobriety Journey

Sitting over three years ago in a neurobehavioral unit with an impending appearance before a judge and knowing I’d be shipped right off to my second rehab after getting out, I had ample time to have one of those “all in” moments. This one was simple: I wanted to live and I needed to get over alcohol. That Paule was an entirely different one – one thing he was was out of excuses. I was “ready ready” for my second rehab.

It was silly how grateful I was that it wasn’t a Christian rehab. After acclimating to feeling like a piece of cattle being processed into an internment camp, I got over that bit of my ego and hunkered down. Even in this, I was an arrogant child, but also had the “gift of desperation” – I was determined to do whatever it took to get over alcohol. I wasn’t there to make friends. In one of the rehab meetings, I shared I had to change my relationship with alcohol fundamentally. I was always less than 7 minutes away from alcohol, and I knew I was tricky enough that I just had to, …forgive me, fucking break it.

So I did. Using “replacement” therapy, I meditated on associating alcohol with yams and past trauma. I leaned in hard to radical acceptance and gratitude. Every time I moved to a new room, I practiced loving-kindness meditations and gratitude lists – every damn time. Every assignment I fell into and notes were taken everywhere. It worked. After 30 days, I was discharged because I no longer met the diagnosable criteria for in-patient billing. It needs to be emphasized that this was still just the beginning and I assumed it was a bigger deal than it was. I just got over alcohol.

Today, I’m able to sit comfortably in a bar with soda water and lime while reading a book and offer suicide prevention training to bars staff. To an outsider, this was maybe something unnecessary for a recovering alcoholic, but I wasn’t just an alcoholic. There was a lot more that needed attention. This has been vital for me.

The Compulsion to Fix

Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” That resonated deeply with my journey. Since being sober, there’s been one significant craving, and it scared the living hell out of me. It was last year, and I was going through a lot. That season is one I needed and… boy, am grateful for it. I may have gotten over alcohol three years ago and did some solid work to do so, but there was a lot more I had to address.

Back to that all-in-or-nothing thing, something broke when I was finally getting sober. This “something” is not unique, and there’s even research about this phenomenon. When someone who has been in egoic neurosis and living a duplicitous life, when people who have never been able to face themselves finally do, they sometimes never go back and it becomes a compulsion. I was a perfect cocktail of strengths, defects, and crazy that..well, I was “going for it.”

The Depths of Self-Discovery

As my recovery journey unfolded, ideas would hit me, haunt me, and eventually become a part of me. Jordan Peterson talked in a lecture about how much potential a human has if they truly and fully face themselves. He then said that perhaps we’ve never seen what a human would look like if they had. Here’s the crazy idea that hit me over a year and a half ago: “Why not?” Why do we settle?

If you’re like me at all, I was tired of my nonsense and the patterns that I had settled on – I wanted “more” from this life – an error I can see now. I’d have to process and think about the fine arguments and social constructs we live in to finally make some headway. I’ve been to aliens, God, and simulations. Studying became a passion again but also a compulsion – it’s been in the last few months I’ve learned to accept it as a form of meditation and a gift I ought to steward well.

Most of my gifts I didn’t steward well since I wasn’t stewarding myself well. They were buried or misapplied. This year was about fixing that. The sheer number of unpublished words is laughable. The stories of relearning the basics of human interaction have been breathtaking and self-induced. Perhaps it wasn’t needed, but it did the trick. Presently, terrifies me how much further there is to go.

Much of recovery was about adjusting the knobs that alcohol helped manage. Sugar and nicotine were nightmares to wrangle. Reading became a problem. I went from being lazy to a workaholic and then vesiculated in between until it finally started to become a non-issue. There was this shy side of me terrified of being good at speaking that took years to get past. Being able to calmly identify and deal with emotions is finally a thing at almost 40. Learning to take risks and be comfortable with how we are is something I hope future generations can learn from childhood.

Carl Jung noted, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” This rings true. My real issues were the subconscious tendencies and traits, things that didn’t start with me and won’t end with me, and the general posture I held myself towards the world. Issues were deep within me with how I attached to and expected things. I realized late last year a lot about myself in the context of personal relationships. These were my demons and hidden sins.

If you’ve broken down in the shower or on the toilet, it was that kind of thing repeatedly, at least for a while. One “epiphany” after another was not only helping me see the world but also myself. The more I could see my “sin,” the more I could unsee a lot of things. The more I let go of things, the more things became clear. It was a lot of personal, subjective, analytical/empathetic wrenching.

The All-In Approach to Breaking Everything

My compulsive drive had turned into a “need” to get over “everything.” I was willing to question and wonder about some things many others weren’t. There was a lot to fix, still is, and I could finally see it. Once I could, and could see enough about myself and my past… the rest started to fall away while I was also finally finding solid ground to stand on. I was still there just on the other side of the chaos. It’s been in this last year, through committing to this all-in-or-nothing idea of breaking everything about me, that I found a pearl of great price.

“The glory of God is humanity fully alive,” and I’m ashamed it took what it did to get me to finally live. Francis Schaeffer wrote, “True spirituality does not come through gritting our teeth, but through falling in love with God.” I gritted my teeth; and crushed a molar while being sober.

After going through hell, I second Schaeffer on this. His sentiment echoes this journey of giving one’s life to Jesus in a real way, in that stupid hypothetical thought experiment that I’m so far into now that I can’t get out of. There’s a lot that could be said about the idea of a personal relationship with Jesus, pushed by Evangelicals through things like the Purpose Driven Church or relational models. In many ways, these Christians have nailed their theological coffins.

The Death of Old Paule

Where I’m at “right now” and have been most of this month has been, again, dragging my feet while forcing myself to become comfortable with who I am becoming. It’s silly, really. Making people smile, getting comfortable with my gifts, and actually being at the point where the ideas from last year are happening mess with me. They’re messing with me because that old-Paule is almost dead and wants attention and security.

He’s still in there, and he’s been screaming, making things difficult. The new-Paule has been slowly taking over and has about strangled that Paule to death. N.T. Wright said, “The point of the resurrection… is that the present bodily life is not valueless just because it will die… What you do with your body in the present matters because God has a great future in store for it.” This perspective has been crucial for a journey of ego death and rebirth.

Ego death has become a central “pillar” or “concept” (don’t know what to call it) of my faith and spiritual practice. It was through this path that the mystical side of faith in Christ snuck up in me. No longer would I be able to preach “about” the Holy Spirit. It was on this path that I could be secure enough to let go of unbiblical concepts reinforced over the years within American Evangelicalism. It was here I found that personal change isn’t just possible but a manageable reality, and now an exciting one. Concepts like love, truth, joy, peace, and freedom are no longer hypotheticals or distant concepts. The dualities of a past life are resolving.

The Invitation to Ego Death

Ego death is what we face when we know we could change but don’t. Ego death is a real thing, studied in neuroscience and psychology. It exists within Buddhishm’s self-nullification and this idea is found in Christian saints like Meister Eckhart and Hildegard of Bingen. If you’re the statistical average American “Christian,” this will mess with your assumed theology. Good. For now, let your theology be “wrong.” Enjoy the questions while you become more vulnerable.

One of the things this world needs to learn is to face its own mortality, its own ego, and to deal with it. This has been one of those ideas that has haunted me and now become a part of me: “The answer to the world’s problems is not more of your ego.” Looking back… I can understand how even this came from unhealthy places to “prove myself” or give the middle finger to the world. It is not that anymore. It’s my invitation.

There aren’t a lot of people trying this way of life, nor do I think it can be forced. It is not the daisies and rainbows people expect. Some talk about it and some are doing it. A lot of people are trying to deal with their egos and having a hell of a time. It’s easy to see this problem in the world but the painful thing is finally seeing it in ourselves. With how the world is, ego death is a remedy and, it seems as if the world is ready for it.

It’s a process and time takes time. There’s more past wreckage from my bullshit to clear away. Every God-blessed step of the way has been worth it. It’s not waist-high BS anymore and it’s getting pretty comfortable dancing with it. Authentically, it’s broken me in more ways than I knew possible, and it makes me smile, cry, and shake.

The Art of Being, Not Doing

Shakespeare infamously stated that “the question” is whether “to be or not to be.” His idea is closer to Truth than what our world’s is. This life is not about doing but about being, in the most fundamental sense. It’s about embracing the void left when the ego dies, and allowing a real self to emerge. This journey isn’t for the faint of heart, but it leads towards authentic living.

Those wanting for a similar path: it’s “one thing at a time.” Start with the all-in-or-nothing idea, if that helps, and apply it to each aspect of your life. Begin where you are at. Maybe it’s a habit you want to break, a relationship that needs to be repaired, or a truth you need to face. Face your Maker and deal with your mortality. Dive into you fully, let it break you if it must, and then rebuild. Then, do it again, and again, because there may be a lot of “knobs” on your side of existence. Be as brave and honest as you can. Don’t be afraid to smile, laugh, and love. Life keeps happening and humans are messy – this needs frequent revisiting. Ego doesn’t die overnight nor am I suggesting I’ve somehow “succeeded”. It was foolish of me to think I worked that.

Meditative practices like mindfulness, loving-kindness meditation, and contemplative prayer are powerful tools for ego death and self-nullification. These practices quiet the mind, helping to dissolve the barriers created by the ego and allowing us to confront our truest selves. Mindfulness brings awareness to the present moment, softening the grip of ego-driven narratives, while loving-kindness meditation fosters compassion for others and ourselves, breaking down the illusion of separation. Contemplative prayer invites a deep surrender, aligning us with something greater than ourselves and nurturing a sense of humility and interconnectedness. These practices can create space for transformation, helping shed the false self and embrace authentic being.

As you move through this journey, you’ll find that the process of becoming yourself is less about accumulating achievements and more about shedding the layers that aren’t truly you. You won’t be as concerned with what to do and more about how to be. Ego death isn’t about destroying yourself, but about discovering who you really are beneath the constructs and defenses you’ve built. It’s a continuous process, a state of being, not a one-time event.

Go all in on being you, one step at a time. The journey will be challenging if vulnerability and acceptance have been avoided, but the authenticity found on the other side is worth every moment of discomfort and uncertainty. It’s in embracing our full selves – flaws, strengths, and all – that we truly come alive.

One last thing – don’t do it alone, if at all possible, but do not let that be an excuse to not do it. Humanity is where life is at.

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”
– Luke 9:23