• ~63% of Americans believe that harsh political rhetoric contributes a lot to political violence
• 79% believe people are less tolerant of views different from their own now than 20 years ago.

….No duh! America is a circus. Sorry that a former Evangelical pastor, recovering alcoholic, and cis-white male, with no functioning party to be loyal to, has something to say that’s uncomfortable. Don’t worry. I have skin in this game too. We’re in this together, so stick with me. Let’s all look into the mirror and the abyss together.

Opening Salvo: No Camp, No Kool-Aid

It became evident early on that thinking outside of the box was not encouraged when it came to theology as a pastor. From one church to another, there was a predefined set of doctrines, a silent ecumenical milieu to be embodied, and an organizational camp with its own branded flavor of Kool-Aid cultic integration. My Christian pedigree didn’t come from denominational loyalty. I was a male who broke the only family tradition of serving in the military. Looking back from where we are today, guns and bullets may have been the easier way—but not the right or good one for me. Words and ideas matter almost as much as the people who wield them.

I failed hard on that last point and used ideas and words against people. I sinned in my strengths and rotted from the inside out. It’s been a miserable journey of unlearning manufactured habits and learning holistic mindsets and behaviors to reinforce this spiritual thing that cracked open in me and never let go—until I gave in. There’s been a lot to reckon with and more still, and none of it is black-and-white, simple, or reducible to effort alone. It’s taken sweat, blood, and gnashing of teeth (none of that metaphorical) to finally grasp what it means to be “saved by grace alone”—or what AA calls, “But by the grace of God.” The Daoists call it wu wei—effortless action. The Buddhists call it letting go of attachment, waking up to what already is. You can’t think your way into salvation, awakening, enlightenment, or individuation. But if you think hard enough, fake long enough, and keep performing, you’ll eventually find yourself backed into a corner. Then you’ll “know-know:” grace was always there. You just had to surrender. And you may be faced with a terrifying decision, or a million.

Effort and “faking it until you make it” often hide our shadows and block the very healing our Western world has avoided—and is now collectively unraveling all over.

We’re eight billion people, each a fraction of a degree off, and it’s converging into a global crisis with no outlet. The only way out is in: face yourself, get over your crap, and stop outsourcing your salvation. People—top-down, bottom-up, and everywhere in between—the call is to repentance. And salvation? It’s global now. It’s right in your face.

• About 65% of Americans say they always or often feel exhausted when thinking about politics; 55% say they feel angry. Hopeful and excited? Rare.

Misfit Origins: A Long Way from Boise

Twenty years ago—from Boise Bible College to Boise State University, from my own family’s background to my manic childhood that wrecked itself much too late in adulthood—I did not belong in any damn camp. Meet me today? I still don’t. It was annoying, and I’ve learned a lot about my part in it. I admit that once I realized “this” about Christianity, I dug my heels in and put walls up. Those pathologized, and my ego and selfish child got twisted inside. The gap between me at 36 and that 12-year-old boy hiding as far inside as he could was devastatingly immense.

It’s not that way anymore. It’s not complete either. But good Lord, is it different. And God-blessed, am I grateful. Everything about this journey makes sense—especially the parts that don’t. That small, fragile ego still hates it. He tries to talk me out of it. Sends me on emotional field trips like a bad babysitter. My Satan—personal, persistent, and clearly defined—hates being reduced so Christ might become more. And it’s confusing as hell. I’ve got notes.

But that Ego—that Shame-Demon, that Personal Devil—is on its way out. I’m unapologetically all in, Jesus.

It trembles at the thought of letting go and disappearing into full and proliferating vulnerability into connection, healthy relationships, and honest living. Into becoming fully alive and everything I was made to be—for such a time as this (ugh). And of making dreams become reality one step at a time, crushing Satan with each footfall, and being enthused and transformed by the Spirit from the inside out. Which, by the way, is the calling on all of us.

Getting out of the boat and walking on water is no longer myth or doctrinal pontification—it demands that we each start trying to walk it out today, and understand exactly what Peter actually went through in our own subjective contexts.

Damn it, look around…do you blame us?

But, God, am I not only ready for it! I’ve been working my whole damn recovery to get my 12-year-old kid here. And it’s nice that it feels nice, at least enough of the time to keep me trudging this happy road of destiny.

Technology which brings the world to us also allows us to narrow our point of view. You can call this the echo chamber theory of polarization: we’ve cocooned ourselves into hearing information that only tells us how right we are, and that’s making us more extreme.

— Ezra Klein

To the American Soul: This Is for All of Us

With that said, dear American world, I have something to say. Allow me to assure all readers—no matter how you stumble upon this unmitigated musing and venting of a recovering analytical existentialist (sorry, Kierkegaard, and I also couldn’t have beat some stupidly small stuff without you rattling in my head)—this will be an equal opportunity toe-stepping experience with some solid left hooks.

You will not get the whole point of this if you only read part of it. And what follows is addressed to the Collective: I understand this does not apply to all people and groups contained within. I also understand the spectrum and landscape are not so easily reduced. This is just IMHBAO—a recovering pastor’s ramble: a big swing from a humble place. We can attend to hurt feelings and my incredulity after the point has been understood.

There are no sides: there never were. We were always pretending. Love and Truth are possible. Peace and Wholeness are real. Sin can be conquered. And Resurrection was meant for Yesterday. You don’t have to hate, and you can forgive right now.

PROGRESSIVES: Close but Not There

“What is the most urgent need of the church today? Better leadership? Better training? Healthier giving? Orthodoxy? Moral integrity? Each of these are undoubtedly needs, but underneath them all lies something even more vital: gospel integrity.”

— Michael Reeves

Since I’ve worn out much of my axe in the past year with what can be characterized as the Right, we’ll start with the other “side.”

Not just “Progressive Christians,” but yes, you’re in this camp. When I was in high school, I think I was a Republican by default, but even then, the hypocrisy and stench of facade was clear to me—on both sides. It was already confusing then. Over time, I drifted to Libertarianism. Honestly, it seemed like the most logically consistent camp available.

After my final relapse in 2021, I reflexively refused to go to a Christian rehab. The first one was traumatic—and I couldn’t stomach looking at a Trump cardboard cutout in the senior pastor’s office.

I found a lot of tools and help outside the Church that I needed to get well. From CBT to AA, to the ability to think more freely and talk about things I didn’t feel safe expressing with most Christians. Thank you all for that.

Before I pull my gloves off and set my jacket aside, I didn’t do my recovery well. I was a huge shipwreck. I have no position here. I do, however, have plenty of experience with you. From helping with ASAM development, suicide prevention, grant writing, curriculum development, training, and now consulting—I’ve paid my dues to give my two cents.

The Progressive camp is run by Jesus freaks, fractured by identities and labels, good people trying to do good things, and Gospel to proclaim—but projecting and vicariously. The same hypocrisy of the elite is mimicked and ultimately supported by its base. The reason the Progressive Party has infighting is that it’s immature. And that immaturity and lack of relational competency isn’t just bitched about by you all—it’s pathologized.

Part of the reason you hate the Right is that they touch on things you are afraid to talk about. That doesn’t mean they are right—hell no. But it does mean you’re avoiding something. Avoidance is a trauma response. Ask any therapist. What you resist, persists. I bet it’s annoying by now.

This isn’t about “them.” It’s always about “us.”

From clinicians and churches to non-profits and politics—you’re a mess. And our individuals are anxious, selfish, scared, radicalized, fractured, distracted, suicidal, and stimulated to the point of psychosis. I don’t think I’m exaggerating. There are plenty of professional mental health experts and “normal” people who know exactly what I mean and are nodding silently. Don’t shoot the messenger.

The fact we can’t talk—and that we all know what that means—is evidence enough.

The Mirror Hurts

“The hypocrite certainly is a secret atheist; for if he did believe there was a God, he durst not be so bold as to deceive Him to His face.”

— Thomas Adams

I thought I would have found a family, a tribe I could belong to that got me. That’s a myth—and I was immature. My journey, whether fate, stubbornness, or God’s hand, was meant to scream this scientific and spiritual diagnosis and put my feet down on this: there is another way. One that is more Real, more Effective, more Scientific, and yes—more Progressive—than what we’re doing now.

You don’t have peace, but you can. You aren’t being True, but could be. And you are not loving, not agape, but working on it. Despite the branding and marketing, or the evidence-based models and personal development practices. But you are so godblessed close. Just let go. Give in. Trust it. You have everything you need—including to hear this next part:

Charlie Kirk’s death is on a lot of people’s hands. Including some of yours.

The hatred. The justified bigotry. The hypocritical expectations. You scapegoated an entire party and expected the government to be your Savior. You mean well, but you hide behind whatever identity label is convenient—and then train others to be twice the sons of hell as you.

Immaturity is what we’re talking about. And the same narcissism industrialized on the Right is mirrored and protected on the Left.

CONSERVATIVES: You Knew Better

“It is better for a man to be silent and be [a Christian], than to talk and not be one. … There is nothing that is hidden from God. Our very secrets are near to him. Therefore, let us do everything as those who have Him dwelling in us.”

— Ignatius, A.D. 110

Now, the Right. I’ll go easy, this time, considering I’ve spent much of my vim and vigor venting vicariously on you for well before Drunk Pastor booted up. I’ve also spent a lot of time attempting to understand what my role was with what will be perceived as heretical by many. Anyone who attempts to push back on the egoic collective consciousness of a tribe is considered as such.

Of course, it’s interesting that I have found that there is true heresy, at least for the Christian. It continues to break me further. Jesus was clear about what His commands were. In fact, He only gave one “new” commandment and promised that not only could we be one with Him by obeying it, but one with God and one another: love one another as He loved us. This one command is the only Christian measure and metric of both heresy and truth.

And even after 2,000 years—with all the clear historical context, biblical exegesis tools, and technological advancements and possibilities—Jesus’ words to Nicodemus are as clearly diagnostic today as they were then: “And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil” (John 3:19). Why are we so afraid of being known and seen, leaders and pastors?

Salvation is at the door and knocking. The Voice is speaking. Are you able to hear it over the noise clouding your vision and souls? If you can’t, stop scapegoating and demonizing people. Stop embodying Satan and training Jesus Freaks to be Christian nationalists: It’s heresy, sinful, and demonic. It’s anti-Christ. The Kingdom of God is already in your midst, in you, and ready to break forth.

The American Church has long had its head up its own ass of selfish sinfulness. You simply ran with what you were handed. You picked the same Greco-Roman commands you could follow and enforce within your modern, small contextual bubbles. You have so many good people and variations among you, and yet you fight and ignore each other. You model for the world what you’re really about while your congregants and seekers—the authentic servants and life-giving members—have found solace in your love and service.

THE WAY FORWARD: Embody or Die

Our education, our social structure, our so‑called religious life, are all based on imitation; … I have ceased to be a real individual; psychologically, I have become a mere repetitive machine with certain conditioned responses …”

— Jiddu Krishnamurti

We need brave people. Honest people who are willing to have faith in their God and humanity. Not just about the shit “out there,” but about what’s going on in here. We have to stop projecting, transferring, blame-shifting, excusing, neglecting, and avoiding. We have to start talking, loving, and actually doing the damn thing. One thing at a time. Millions of mustard seeds can move the Rocky Mountains.

What is the measure of your faith?

Jesus Freaks aren’t the loudest—we’re far too crazy to be reduced to that, but we know how to make noise while taming the tongue (and know the lyrics to DC Talk’s song). A true Jesus Freak is someone who seriously takes Jesus personally—and knows what both Hell and Salvation are, because they’ve had to drink it and walk it out with every breath. Someone who bears their cross. Who gags at the scent of their own past sins… or at least goes through that, and still keeps falling deeper into gratitude, joy, and peace, while trying to create the same in the world as they live and move and have their being. It’s the person who wrestles with their demons until something else is reborn so they can help others live fully, too. A Jesus Freak stands outside of tribes and follows another Way.

Always was. Always will be.

Let’s stop pretending. Start embodying. And God blessed it—let’s stop bitching and blaming people before more people kill other people.

We all understand how this works. Or at least, we can. If you don’t know, you will probably soon enough. Just keep watching the news. Listen to your friends’ social media posts. Pay attention to your preacher’s three-point sermons. (Know your shepherd. Know what kind of fruit they bear.)

The coming of the Son of Man is here, and it is happening. We can’t serve two masters. Not anymore. There’s blood in the streets—and more coming. We’re at a turning point. Let’s make sure we turn in the right direction and drag this tipping point towards healing.

Home is being comfortable on your journey. It’s living into the meaning of “the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” We can fix this—but we have to be the fix. We have to embody the Real Gospel in our small worlds with big consequences.

If you’re struggling with “everything going on out there,” and not sure where to begin: Shut up. Calm down. And love your neighbor as yourself.

Go ahead. “Prove Me Wrong.”