“But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.”
Matthew 6:3-4

This “do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing” has been on my mind for a while now. It’s one of those sayings that seems cute and maybe even cliche. It seems to make sense in its context without much more exegesis or explanation. That isn’t why I find it worth chewing on. It’s been messing me up.

In its context, Jesus’ words are pretty straightforward: Don’t let your good stuff (“righteousness”) be a show for others. He’ll say almost the same thing in the next stanza about how we pray – “But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” (v. 6). Meaning is pretty straight forward – don’t do things for one expressed purpose when you’re just trying to get the approval of others.

We all struggle with this. I struggle with this. I want recognition for the bits of good I have done. There are also times I want to do something for attention. The latter is where I have gone from a typical human-level struggle to full-blown circus. My spiritual experiences, like worship and prayer, were often fake-feeling to me. My alcoholism took dysfunctions and insecurities, things that were already screwed up and unhealthy, then amplified them. My drinking made it easier to fall into a false person, a shell that I constructed to guard behind.

When I am not being a crappy person, which I’ve been plenty, it’s nice to know I’m not the worst person ever, that someone believes in me. When I’ve done something halfway decent, I don’t mind if it’s noticed. Jesus’ challenge was to take steps to ensure that I don’t have to worry about worrying about people’s approval. He’ll say it again when He talks about fasting – to “anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you” (v. 17-18).

Do your deeds secretly, say your prayers in secret, and fast in secret. Ensure that you take steps so your intent doesn’t become something else. I pray for things or might do a good thing but the intent behind it was selfish, for my security and significance. When I mix up the purpose of prayer, giving, or fasting, I’m turning it into an echo chamber of self-worship. I can’t see anything else but me in everything else. So, make sure I take steps so other people won’t know. By the way, there is an unhealthy way to take this; it’s important to remember the religious culture Jesus was talking to.

It’s tempting to break these down and ask why they’re structured in the Sermon on the Mount the way they are. There’s plenty there. The thing, though, that has been challenging me has been Jesus’, “Do not let your left hand know what your right is doing.” Of all the other measures Jesus called you and me to take to ensure that we don’t mess it up, this one is messed up.

To do this, literally, you have to ensure that all the thoughts and thinking involved in moving your right hand don’t even cross to the other side of your brain. Your brain has two hemispheres and each hemisphere controls the opposite side of the body. These hemispheres are bridged through the corpus cerrebellum. Our hemispheres do different jobs and collaborate. If you cut the two halves off, most people seem normal but their brains act almost like two different people (we’ll come back to that.) When you move your hand, don’t let the other side of your brain know it’s doing something.

Jesus’ admonition is to make sure that when we are in our heads, we are also not saying things or doing things to be seen or heard by ourselves. Especially as an alcoholic, I loved convincing myself of narratives I already had so much practice believing. Especially the self-destructive, completely hopeless narratives I will reinforce just to try and prove an inconsequential point to myself.

When a person’s brain’s corpus callosum is cut, a corpus callosotomy, it reveals that our brains are like two people. Ignore that science factoid for a second and play with the idea: we all have more than one person in us. I have a terrified 12-year-old boy I talk to a lot. There’s also the father figure, the failure, the partner, the son, the aspiring gifted side, the hero who wants to be there for others, and so forth. There are also those people we keep in our minds with us: our family members, abusers, partners, parents, coworkers, whoever. It’s the people we “talk” to when they’re not there so we can rehearse our scripts and the cases in our defense.

I think Jesus wanted to make sure that the practices we Christians make so much out of are kept in their proper place and relationship, in the “secret,” so that we get ourselves right. We get stuck in our own stories and on whether they matter to others. We shouldn’t care as much about the arbitrary and fleeting approval of people, even those who might have something legit to disapprove about us. We find our real reward alone, from that secret space no one sees. That’s where a Father who is in secret will reward in secret. Do you, do I actually want what I pray and sacrifice for? Do I want wholeness and health or do I want to feel like I do then whine when I don’t? Or do I just want the narrative I’m trying to support?

For churches today, I wonder what practices he would tell us to do in secret. I’m sure there are false narratives the American Church is supporting. He’d have plenty to say.