As I sit down to write this on November 4th, the tension in America is palpable. The nation is more divided than ever, with issues like the economy, healthcare, technology, and identity politics cutting through our society. A quick look around — news articles, social media feeds, podcasts, music, and opinion pieces from any point of view — reveals a fragmented and frustrated nation. Topics like education, gun rights, virtues, reproductive rights, and climate are ripping out the heart of America. Everyone is talking about it; in and out of America. It’s a circus.

If we zoom further back out from the headlines and campaign rhetoric, what becomes clear is that this isn’t merely a crisis of politics. It’s a crisis of identity. Evidence for it can be found on the lips of leaders in science, society, and religion – we’re all aware humanity is having some issues right with itself. Why is the world like this? Who are we? What have we allowed ourselves to become? Why can’t we get along? Who’s at fault?

This is an invitation to look deeper past the headlines and through the sound bites. This is a conversation about me, you, “them,” “us,” and our children — our egos, our fixation on winning arguments rather than understanding perspectives, and our inability to find common ground. It will also suggest reimagining what it means to live in a society where love, forgiveness, and empathy are not just values we preach but actions we embody, where they become ideals and taught empirically and spiritually, no matter what journey you are on.

Christians, I think this is what we are called to model here. I know the other questions and arguments: I was a pastor for 15 years and read. I’m not asking you to remove those, just calm them down for this post and hear it out.

The same could be asked for anyone else reading this, before or after the presidential election: turn down your assumptions just for a moment and consider this from your ego and your tribe. Does the following relate or apply?

Evangelical Clanging Lampstands

In reflecting on the state of modern Evangelicalism, it’s clear that there’s a need to return to foundational principles of humility, family, service, and unconditional love. Jesus taught in John 13:34-35, “A new command I give you: Love one another as I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Yet, divisions over doctrine, culture, politics, and identity are overwhelming the core teachings of love and forgiveness.

This isn’t only an issue in Christianity; leaders across demographics and communities are increasingly speaking to the frustration of division and the lack of understanding within their own groups and with others. Mental health professionals advocate for self-awareness and compassion, LGBTQ+ activists call for empathetic and honest understanding, and both Democrats and Republicans are seeing members who are weary of unproductive partisanship. More than 60% of America wants a third party. Consider how the collection of churches in America plays into all of this. As the theologian A.W. Tozer said, “A scared world needs a fearless church.” We are a fearful Church.

We must confront the reality that self-examination, humility, and unity are not just ideals but necessities. Dietrich Bonhoeffer noted, “The church is the church only when it exists for others.” Dallas Willard taught that to follow Christ’s example, we must practice grace and forgiveness genuinely, as acts of love. This is meant to be a discipline and we, disciples. The basics of acceptance and gratitude might make good beginning points. Embracing these values would foster healthier relationships within our families and faith communities, and bridge gaps where today there are only divides. They may even help us live out our faith instead of insisting on it.

The Polarization Problem

Political divisions in America are hardly new, but they are undeniably more pronounced than in recent decades. Gallup reports that nearly two-thirds of Americans now feel the need for a viable third party because neither the Democrats nor the Republicans seem capable of addressing the full spectrum of American needs and values. In recent years, this sense of division has intensified, as disagreements on issues such as immigration, healthcare, and civil rights have morphed into something more sinister: a wholesale unwillingness to understand or tolerate opposing views.

According to a Pew Research Center study, political animosity has reached its highest point since the 1990s, with more than half of each party viewing the other as a “threat to the nation’s well-being.” Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once observed, “People demand freedom of speech as compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.” In America today, this rings truer than ever. We are “free speech” and echo chambers – the problem is staring each of us in the face. It seems everyone knows their “tribe” is partially to blame for being in the position they’re in. We have lost the ability to engage in humane discourse. Instead, we rely on pseudo-relationships to reinforce our perspectives.

The Real Divide: Ego, Identity, and Tribalism

Beyond politics, the true source of our division is a crisis of identity. Our tribalism is not rooted in mere policy disagreements but in a desperate need for identity validation. Rene Girard discusses this phenomenon fully in his epic book, The Scapegoat. He made this lovely observation: “If you scapegoat someone, it’s a third party that will be aware of it. It won’t be you. Because you will believe you are doing the right thing.” In battling perceived “monsters” in our society, we risk embodying the same intolerance we stand against. Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche noted, “He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.”

This insight is painfully relevant to America’s current political climate. We have become so engrossed in fighting “monsters” — the opposition, culture wars, media, “thems” — that we have taken on the characteristics we demand others to change: intolerant, defensive, and unwilling to see beyond our perspectives. We’ve become monsters in our campaigns and under our banners.

Humans have a deep need for acceptance and understanding – theologians, psychologists, and we know this. Yet, our society increasingly produces division and antagonism, as if engagement in hostile discourse will somehow validate us to our tribes…oh, wait…that’s because it does. Here, again, we find our issues with ego and running from ourselves at play. We are all painted in a corner. No one is willing to say their own Emporer is naked.

We ought to be accepting and understanding if we actually expect this world to be. That is a “deep” truth that every human is out to be able to understand now. It’s time to start doing and becoming it. For those who claim the title “Christian,” we have Jesus to look to as a teacher and model.

The reality is we’re left with fractured egos, less sure of our identity than ever. Our kids and their kids will pay for our collective insecurities and avoidance-they will inherit the world we leave behind. People are confused and are struggling to keep a grip on some sense of right and wrong, good and bad, and belonging and meaning. An honest diagnosis is that it seems we’ve lost hope in humanity. If our psychological issues are consistent, it would imply we’ve lost hope in ourselves too.

All else falls away but these three truly remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Thought Experiment Times: Circles of Division

Let’s imagine a whiteboard divided down the center by a line that symbolizes our nation’s political divide. On this board, we begin to fill it with circles representing various contentious issues that dominate our discourse. Think about issues like gun rights, abortion, climate change, and the economy—any issue that comes to mind.

Next, we introduce overlapping circles representing identities—Christian, Catholic, atheist, Jewish, LGBTQ+, and more. These circles encompass a myriad of beliefs, experiences, and perspectives.

Within each circle, we can draw lines representing more possible divisions—gender, race, religion, and socio-economic class. Each of these factors further fractures our discussions, illustrating how individual identities and lived experiences influence our views on these critical issues.

Now, we can start comparing characteristics and traits, exploring shared histories and narratives. Perhaps we even create sub-circles for more specific groups, like Eastern Orthodox versus Coptic Christians, or we could draw a circle for each nation, with sub-circles representing their differing political parties. We might draw connecting lines to illustrate relationships among these diverse groups and issues.

If we keep tracking this exercise, the whiteboard quickly becomes a tangled mess of overlapping circles and lines, filled with countless layers of complexity.

So, what is the common denominator in this thought experiment? Humans. Both “you and me’s” and “us and thems.” All those lines and circles represent our creations—our divisions and borders shaped by ego, causes, and insecurities. Each of us clings to our beliefs with fierce conviction, often unwilling to consider that we might be wrong or that others’ concerns could be valid. We want others to change.

This leads to infighting, bickering, blaming, and an overwhelming sense of panic. The challenge lies not only in acknowledging these complexities but also in finding common ground amidst the chaos. How do we begin to untangle this mess and foster understanding in a divided world? We learn to do the hard work of talking to each other and that starts right where the individual lives, with relationships and those closest to us. One person, one relationship, one day at a time.

As Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). The plank in our collective eye is ego: the need to be right, to be validated, to feel righteous at the expense of others. Putting down some swords would be helpful too.

How Did We Get Here?

To understand how we arrived at this place, we must acknowledge the forces at play. Technology has rapidly transformed the way we communicate, creating a digital landscape where we are both more connected and more isolated than ever before. Information is freely available but also means we can go anywhere we want. Social media algorithms have created echo chambers, allowing us to engage only with people and content that confirms our biases.

Cell phones and instant access have made it possible to be more connected to people than ever and to ghost people more than ever. According to research from the American Psychological Association, polarization is amplified by the online echo chamber effect, where people become more extreme and entrenched in their views when they’re only exposed to like-minded perspectives.

More globalization has brought the world closer, but it has also made us acutely aware of differences in cultures, economies, and ways of life. Economic uncertainty, job displacement, and shifts in cultural norms have contributed to a sense of insecurity, fueling divisive “us versus them” mentalities. We’ve learned well from psychology that the closer and more similar two groups are, the smaller things they’ll fight over. This tension is not top-down, at least not exclusively, but bottom-up: it’s the slave-master mindset that we all play victim to and continue to perpetuate.

Cognitive Biases and Ego-Centric Perspectives

Psychologist Daniel Kahneman, in Thinking, Fast and Slow, explores how we often lean on “fast thinking,” the snap judgments and biases that allow us to quickly navigate the world but also create blind spots in our self-perception. Our brains are wired to simplify, to form patterns, and to assume that we know more than we do, often without realizing how little we’ve actually paused to understand. This leads to an ego-centric perspective, where we start to believe that our view of the world is inherently accurate, diminishing our openness to other perspectives.

Ken Wilber, in A Theory of Everything, explains that human development hinges on transcending this self-centered lens to achieve broader, more ego-diminishing perspectives. By embracing humility and recognizing our limits, we could cultivate empathy, seeing ourselves as part of a greater whole rather than as separate and “right.” Mark Manson points out in Everything is F*cked that society needs to grow up. We are avoiding our issues and hiding from our mortality, personal responsibility, and the things that truly matter: unconditional love, patience, empathy, authenticity, and communication.

Our relationships, families, and even communities mirror this dysfunction, often fracturing under stress just like our nation does. While policies, the economy, and political action are important, they can’t fix our fundamental problem: we’ve become isolated and self-referential, unable to truly engage with one another. Add in the illusion of connection through mobile, digital, and instant communication, and it’s easy to ignore the depth we’ve lost in human interaction. We’ve become more distractible, reactive, and focused on self-validation — leaving us lost in our egos.

The Need for Empathy and Understanding

In his work On the Genealogy of Morality, Nietzsche argues that to move beyond resentment, we must cultivate a spirit of self-reflection and forgiveness. While Nietzsche’s philosophy was largely critical of Christian doctrine, he agreed with Jesus here on self-honesty and forgiveness. For us to bridge these divides, we must adopt an ethic of empathy — a radical willingness to understand others and let go of our resentments. To do so will first mean, for many, getting over themselves and being willing to entertain challenging ideas.

Empathy doesn’t mean we must agree with each other on every issue. But it does mean we understand the person we’re disagreeing with first and recognize each other’s humanity. To be honest, it’s a maturity issue. As Aristotle wrote, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” Our society could benefit immensely from this perspective. Imagine if our political discourse was characterized not by a need to “win” but by a genuine curiosity about the other side’s views.

Moving Beyond Ego: A Call to Love and Forgiveness

It’s easy to dismiss these ideas as idealistic, but research shows they’re grounded in measurable reality. Businesses and organizations that employ them see measurable results. These ideas seem to exist, dare I say it, “universally.” At least you can find agreement in practically any field and religious tradition.

Studies in psychology have shown that forgiveness reduces stress, anxiety, and anger, while increasing resilience and well-being. Forgiveness isn’t just a response – it’s a willingness to reorientate our perspective. An unwillingness to forgive is often connected to an unwillingness to be forgiven, to be wrong or wronged again. It’s a powerful choice, requiring strength, humility, and self-awareness. It’s releasing a debt we feel owed. It’s letting go of the power we only think we have. It’s admitting we’ve hurt people and facing them again. It’s an acknowledgment that we can move beyond the past without erasing it, that we can honor our histories without being bound by them.

But what does forgiveness look like in a polarized society? It starts with the willingness to put down the hatchets and try to understand. Sociologist Brené Brown, known for her work on vulnerability, argues that empathy is an action — a decision to engage with someone’s experience, even if it’s uncomfortable or unfamiliar, to better understand them. This choice doesn’t require that we abandon our beliefs or values; it simply means that we approach others with an open heart and mind. It’s also just helpful.

Getting Over Ourselves

We are at a crossroads. The existential questions of identity, purpose, and community are no longer abstract. They demand we be the answer and stop debating it. As technology continues to evolve, introducing new challenges in artificial intelligence, genetic modification, and data privacy, our capacity for empathy and understanding will be tested as never before. We are confronted with a choice: to continue down a path of divisiveness and isolation or to cultivate the qualities that make us human.

To grow as a society, we must mature individually. This requires each of us to confront our ego, our need to be “right,” and our unwillingness to forgive or ask for it. It’s a tall order, and it won’t happen overnight. But if we can take even the smallest steps toward these ideals, we may find that the issues dividing us become less insurmountable. Only by confronting our egos and building bridges of empathy can we truly address the divides facing us today.

Facing Ourselves and Growing in Virtue

So, where do we begin in solving this crisis of division and identity? It starts with the basics: face ourselves honestly and do the hard work of inner transformation. To become genuinely good people, we must use the tools we have or find them — therapy, faith, guidance, or self-reflection — to confront our own egos, pride, and victim mentalities. We need to push past self-justification and self-centeredness, understanding that growing as individuals isn’t about proving our perspectives but about aligning ourselves with truth and goodness.

We also have to be willing to talk to our people, our tribes, about this. We have to be willing to get in front of our own communities. If people aren’t really doing this, then it’s just more of the same BS we’re all tired of. We have to do something different to get something different.

This journey means practicing patience, empathy, and self-honesty even when it’s challenging. Sharing our opinions, ideas, and concerns won’t go away, neither will our voice or influence. It’s about setting aside our pride and humbly recognizing the work we need to do in our relationships, communities, and nation as peacemakers rather than adversaries. As philosopher Dallas Willard suggested, “The most important thing in your life is not what you do; it’s who you become. That’s what you will take into eternity.” Rather than debating what defines goodness or fairness, let’s focus on embodying it, on becoming people who engage and build bridges.

A Final Word: Love or Ego – We Can’t Serve Both

If there’s one message that echoes through history, from Jesus to Aristotle to modern-day philosophers, it’s that love is the antidote to ego. Can we begin here, while acknowledging it’s going to feel like sacrificing ourselves to do it? Can the Church take the lead or will it be willing to meet at the table? The path forward is not about eliminating disagreements but learning how to engage with them constructively. This is a call to remember the importance of community, shared values, and compassion — even for those who might stand on the opposite side of a political or ideological spectrum.

Let’s hold ourselves accountable no matter the outcome and love one another well. People’s feelings are going to be hurt and world affairs will react accordingly. Who knows what the next 8 years hold, much less 20? However, let’s maybe get serious in every worldview, industry, party, and family about love, the issues of our ego, and what we can do to put the hatchets down and build some burnt bridges. Let’s commit to a higher standard of discourse, one grounded in humility, empathy, and love. Maybe then we can bridge the great divide and build a future where all people, regardless of affiliation or background.

We can live with dignity, purpose, and understanding. We can take care of the problems we have. We’re adults…at least we need to be. We need to figure this out.