AA talks about rigorous honesty. It can suck. It’s about being honest with others and oneself. You can’t be an alcoholic without being a liar. Tackling lying is hard enough when you’re entrenched in a self-destructive ego implosion. Learning to be honest with myself took a final staycation in a neurobehavioral unit and 30 days of in-patient rehab. Making it a way of life…that’s still a work in progress. It’s also the only way I’ve experienced any freedom and change.

Being Open About Personal Stuff

It’s easier to discuss 1 Corinthians 13 or President Trump’s character. Sharing personal struggles and conclusions that run counter the cancel-culture Church can stir up insecurity. Instead of waiting until everything is resolved, I’ve been learning to share my journey as it unfolds. Sharing what’s happening in and with me has taken some work to flip around how I work. I still have this habit of wanting to share only after it’s resolved and ready. It’s just impossible to get everything ready for everyone. I so don’t have a people-pleaser in me.

In contrast, other people have this down. You can draw a circle around this trait and observe how they use it in a healthy and unhealthy way. I’m humbled by how it comes naturally for others. It’s also fascinating how we craft our communication without being aware of the why behind it. I used to often combine withholding things I was unsure of and offering what could pass for the moment. I was good at faking a little vulnerability to pass as being vulnerable enough. I would rather deal with things myself and try to keep people happy, unconcerned with my state. It sounded nice—it doesn’t work.

Collecting Mantras and Aphorisms

I started collecting mantras and aphorisms while getting sober. These were rules and guidelines for different situations and seasons. Mantras are simple, powerful phrases or sayings that we repeat to ourselves to guide our thoughts and actions, especially during challenging times. They serve as mental anchors, reminding us of essential truths and principles when we’re tempted to get lost in our emotions or perceptions. Different ones call to us at different times depending on what’s going on inside us.

A mantra like “Do what you can already do” was to focus on my strengths and resources. These mantras are not just words but tools that help recalibrate our mindset, steering us back to a path of authenticity and clarity. By consistently repeating and reflecting on these mantras, we can reshape our inner dialogue, align our actions with our values, and navigate life’s complexities with greater ease and purpose.

Early Mantra: “Just Don’t Lie”

An early mantra was “Just don’t lie.” The idea is that we all tend to cover up and present a different truth than what’s going on. Instead of defending what already is, presenting a false image of reality, just don’t give false information. It wasn’t the same as being honest and truthful, but it was an early step. It was a useful step for matters difficult to open up about. I could at least talk “about” them if not directly. It helped me to finally slow that inner part of me always running and hiding long enough to see it and begin the work I needed to do there.

More Recent Mantras

These are some mantras I’ve been rambling recently:

The first one is from Marcus Aurelius; the middle one stolen from Derek Sivers; the last one borrowed from AA. Mantras are like self-talk. We repeat them to help us remember something when we’d rather get lost in our current perception of things. Faith often provides these for us, offering a big narrative larger than our individual life. It provides guidance and clarity where we aren’t sure what to do. They pull us from what we are in now to a different self we want. They help us get through dark times and remember what really matters.

We all have these rules we live by. When we get to know someone well, we can hear them. We can often summarize a person because we’ve heard and seen enough to catch the parts that show up repetitively. The little sayings we throw out, how we frame and say things, and our inner dialogue will be fueled and guided by these mantras. It’s for this reason that we personally need to evaluate what rules and ideas we are living by. And it’s for this reason that we need new-to-us mantras to engage and correct the dysfunctions of our old ones.

Truth and Love: Beyond “Just Don’t Lie”

Fast forward to now, especially since after Easter, Truth and Love have become such important values that “Just don’t lie” cuts a lot deeper. It’s about being truth in a mindset of love. Paul’s “truth in love” from Ephesians 4 has become more than just a nice verse—Truth and Love are concepts so foundational in the rest of Scripture and in all human existence that they’ve become mantras. Love itself is a “doctrine” more important than an opinion on miraculous gifts or eschatology. Truth isn’t about academics or correct doctrines – it’s about my perceptions, expectations, and the way I carry myself among others.

The Challenge of Living by Truth

Truth is annoying to live by. Honesty isn’t as straightforward or delightful as we sometimes like to make it seem to our kids. It’s just the ground level—the human games and deception come quickly after. Truth expects to have its way with me in all things and with all people.

What is true and what is not? What is just me and what is fact? What of my opinions, beliefs, and decisions are “true” and what are not? What is untrue about me? What are just other people’s stuff? How do we figure out what’s true in a world where everyone acts like they have an equal claim to it? Even individual evangelical churches, from one to another, have apparently enough of a difference that we can’t work with each other. They’re only a help if we buy into their whole Kool-Aid recipe without looking into the ingredients. How do we figure out what about ourselves is actually true when we are deceiving ourselves with ego, ignorance, and distractions? How do I tell the truth when I know it isn’t safe and I’m not even sure if it’s right?

There’s plenty in those questions. Walking truthfully in love requires some different ways of living than what is “normal.” It invites into the mess and ambiguity of life. We are invited to have more faith in love than we have in our control. It requires doing things a different way than normal. I don’t want my normal anymore—not the normal I settled for. That old me I’m grateful for but he needs to die along with my attachment to him.

Truth means I’m honest about things even when it may disturb people. That’s hard for me. This comes up with my belief and life among Evangelicals. I know my beliefs and practices don’t fit the norm for Evangelicals. Why they may squirm and shift I get. It took a couple years of sobriety and being outside of vocational ministry to finally come to terms with some deep things for me. The preemptive shame I imagined kept me in my hermit hole. Everyone has an opinion about how we should live our life. The hard thing is making sure we’re willing to hear it.

Embracing Reality

Now “Just don’t lie” is about me not lying to myself and accepting reality as it is. It’s been getting down to levels of not letting myself be distracted or hide behind convenient circumstances. It’s also helped me talk about the good side, the good in reality, and me. It’s not like any of us are entirely bad or even mostly. I can fixate and inflate my insecurities and ego quickly beyond what is real. The inverse is also true—I can avoid and minimize my insecurities so they disappear from notice. “Just Don’t Lie” is about being as I am right now and allowing reality to be as it is.

The Point: Use Mantras

This isn’t the point of this post. The point is this: Find truths to hold onto that pull you through the next thing you have to face. Facing untruth always requires the light of Truth—and it’s unsettling. There’s something that happens when we finally look behind the walls and masks we often confuse with ourselves. When we finally learn how to have real conversations with ourselves rather than with the perceived circumstances and people we store in our head, something can break and change can happen. For what it’s worth—it’s annoying.

Mantras, rules, and plans help us navigate out of the identity we are currently stuck in. They act as guideposts, reminders, and boundaries we can play within. Another one I use is “I have no problems right now”—It reminds me that I can stop panicking, calm down, and breathe. I’m able to let go of other problems when I can lean into it, and let the noise get turned down so I can be present for the thing I need to be aware of then.

“Just don’t lie” is not a mantra meant for habitual liars and chronic addicts. Out of the heart, the mouth speaks, and we communicate plenty without our tongue. We set scenarios and environments. We use our body language and facial expressions. We use different “safe” words or we intentionally use words we know will effect others. We push our narrative so their narrative doesn’t overtake ours. It’s tied to that deep part of humanity that deals with shame, fear, and inadequacy.

The Subtlety of Deception

We all hide and deceive – channeling my inner Dr. House, “Everyone lies”. It’s subtle sometimes, and some of us have ornate and complicated systems to keep our hiding hidden. When we react in a way that isn’t accurate to reality, how is it truthful? Denial & avoidance are ways of not dealing with truth. When we downplay our response or exaggerate a story, when we inflate ourselves and deflate others (or vice-versa), when we reject an idea just because it isn’t ours, when we purposefully hold words back, and so on—these are all times we “lie.” It’s this kind of inward pull Jesus invited his audience to when he moves acts of adultery and murder to lust and hatred. The problem is in “me vs.,” not in “them.”

If I mumble one of these dumb mantras long enough, I’m humbled by how deep it cuts. There’s no promise of change. It just sucks more.