Avoiding Change: Why We Don’t Believe People Can

In a last post on faith, I mentioned that I love Ted Lasso. Allow me to show some more of that love.

In the previous seasons, Roy Kent, a quiet, gruff man, has been trying to change. He finally comes out to his group of men and asks for advice. It’s a big moment for Roy. His frustration is that he’s been trying to change and yet he feels like the same person. At one point, he asks desperately, “Can people change?”

There’s an awkward silence following this moment. The rest of the guys look at each other and a few people throw out some answers. Leslie has the final answer that resolves the scene. Here’s the clip:

What is it about us, when faced with the question “Can people change?” that we automatically slow down, hesitate, and struggle to answer this question?

The answer to the question, “Can we change?” is an unequivocal “Yes”. We all are changing from conception to death. You and I are changing right now. In death, we change again. Change is constant. We are constantly engaging and interacting with ourselves and the world. We are more change sometimes than static. We all know from our own lives ways we’ve changed, maybe not for the good and maybe for the good. We all celebrate the stories of people changing.

Change Was Already Happening

So, yes, we can change. In fact, we are going to change and we can’t stop it. The only question is if we are going to be intentional about it. Yet, we still feel the tension of Roy’s question and why he asked it. Roy’s issue was he didn’t believe he could. If you watch the show, it’s clear that Roy, by opening up to his guy friends, had changed. Roy just couldn’t see it because he couldn’t believe it.

It’s a thing we all doubt about ourselves and so we project it back out on the world. We fear change because it means risk of control. We value control because it’s how we maintain our augmented identities and relationships managed. A church can do this as a whole: i.e. this world is so messed up that the only hope is a distant heaven removed from this world. Disembodied evacuation is the only salvation for your existence. It throws the problem out while forgetting where the real problem lies – in us. Change is now. Now is where God works.

If real change were possible here in this world today, we might find that salvation is about today and not about “then.” If we could hold on to the good moments, the moments we were out of our own way, where life and love could not just be ideas but tangible realities, we might believe like Ted did. We might see real change blossom around us simply because we got out of the way. We might experience our scriptures and faith rather than at a vague, safe cognitive distance with forced emotional hype and delusions.

The Change In Others

We don’t like the idea of people changing, in parts, because it invites us to change. That forces us to start looking at ourselves in ways we don’t like. It’s there that we find things keeping us comfortable are the things we don’t want to let go of control of. We like the way we view the people in our mental story telling. We put them there for a reason. It’s easier to keep the shell and games up so we don’t have to deal with our issues. It’s easier to assume an exe or parent or child or friend or enemy won’t change so they can remain the assumed character in our story we need them to be to justify our existence. If they did change, we know we would have to adjust, and that automatically makes me feel uncertain.

We resist change that challenges us. It scares us. Change is happening anyway and we try to avoid it. Change can happen to us or it can happen with us. We make that decision, even if it’s by avoiding it. Becoming more stuck and entrenched is also change. Reinforcing choices and control is still change. Freedom and peace come at the cost of slavery.

When a person we know changes, it grabs our attention and we have to understand it. It’s that or we judge it. If we were to change, we would have to admit there might be better, healthier ways of doing things. We might have to let go of our grudge or take a risk we’ve spent our life avoiding. Other people might take it as an opportunity to show they were right and you were wrong. We may feel weak and foolish for a bit but becomes a new normal that transcends the old.

Maybe we could start asking different questions: