Infantile behavior is everywhere to be found at rehabs. At my first rehab, I struggled with cleptomania. I was a pastor with a family and a house but I had issues using someone’s body wash or taking a notebook. When I look back on that time, I can see my fetal body language and hear the pathetic child in trouble. It wasn’t surprising given my past and recent behavior either.

The next rehab came and I finally broke from alcohol – I still have a stubborn refusal to let people in. I need a lot more help but some significant progress was thankfully made. Gratitude and acceptance were where I started but I was arrogant and defensive. One of the last things I did was write a letter to myself. It was written to a 12-year-old Paule.

Discovering Codependency

I’m not easy to tangle with in a counseling office even if I’m in a broken and transparent place. My footing was solid enough after my second rehab but my issues of codependence hadn’t been identified yet. My fear of being a failed father was tucked away but I was aware it was a problem. I was at least aware of my fear and it was crippling. I could talk about it from a distance.

Part of my problem was that I didn’t realize my codependency until the relationship I was dependent on for my sobriety blew up. It was confusing and extensive. It lasted months and wasn’t clean. It also highlighted my codependency.

During that time, my addiction counselor suggested that I “might be codependent.” After a bit of living out my unintended consequences and feeling again the loneliness of my alcoholism, I had a moment where I said, “Screw that.” I needed a new place and some loyal friends put me up for a few months.

Stuck & Alone

After I got my own place, a slump came quickly. My addiction counselor had disappeared and I felt alone. I couldn’t make any more progress. I had been working with my psychiatrist on medications and we were being slow and methodical. Every 6 months wasn’t a quick enough timeline anymore. I was desperate to face and do things I needed to.

The next few months were some intense…chaotic “self” psychologically and using some techniques I had benefited from and worked with since. I consumed information. I tried everything from self-hypnosis IFS, yoga, exercise, transcendental meditation, shrooms, CBT, DBT, etc. I changed my habits. I changed a lot of things. Some progress made (a lot less than I thought). Eventually, it became clear that I needed to make a significant change to fix some of the financial problems I was in.

Fast Food Detour

I became an AM of Arby’s and the GM a few months later. It was a blast at first. Then it became too much. The separation from my kids and my hopes that this job would fix things didn’t pan out. It was still avoidance and hoping something else would fix the things I couldn’t face. I grew more distant from my kids. It was harder for them because of my inability to face things. Shame works that way. I was still a defensive, scared little kid, afraid of my shame in the eyes of those I hurt. I knew that well enough. The situation at Arby’s hadn’t changed. I couldn’t make enough money, have enough time, or be able to keep my head straight there. I was avoiding – that was the deeper issue.

There were opportunities and plans for exiting Arby’s. Things didn’t play out the way I hoped. However, things have become clearer, and more tangible. Life was more alive and united while the circumstances of my life were much the same. I knew this direction was the right one – it was a matter of faith.

Since a few weeks ago, things feel like they make more “sense.” Exciting things were happening in my professional life that confirmed some things. The Drama of The Gifted Child is a book every person should read. It so well framed my inner experience that things were clicking together (I just finished chapter 2). I honestly thought this change was going to be just a few days but it has been weeks. Underneath my surface interaction with the world outside, there was some weird things happening I couldn’t figure out how to describe until recently. I was changing and I didn’t know into what.

My Inner Children

I had dealt a lot with being a father. A lot of my trash was that. I hadn’t dealt with my inner child after sobriety. Until I could, I couldn’t see my kids. Until I could, I couldn’t see what the 12-year-old boy I wrote to in my rehab. Until now, I couldn’t see the infant inside me needing help.

I tore myself, humans, and gods apart looking for answers to get a handle on myself. I got some 2 and a half years ago. I kept flailing for a while, picking things up along the way. I wasn’t a small ship. I was a freight liner. Changing directions makes its own waves. What I am finding now is something new, like an answer to a question I didn’t know how to ask. It’s quieter, more approachable, exciting, and overwhelming. Peace is something I can feel now.

I had to do it by myself – it wasn’t right. I had this need to fix things myself before I face people – I get that now. That inner child of mine needed to know he already exists, that he matters, that his voice can be heard, that people are responsible for themselves, that he for himself, that it isn’t about me, that I am responsible for myself and only myself, that I can be open and safe, that I can say when I don’t like something, that I’m not under threat. I didn’t understand a lot.

Perspective

In 2023, my most listened to song was “The Kid I Used to Know” by Arrested Youth. Next was “Hope” by NF. Both songs are internal dialogues, with the artist talking to his past self. “The Kid I Used To Know” reminds me that I am not going back to that anymore – it was me but it isn’t anymore. It helped pull me away from that past self. “Hope” reminds me of the good on the other side of that, that there is power in our voice, story, and persons, that I am what gets in the way of myself, that there is good to be had and it really is a matter of perspective.

Our past selves, the ones from yesterday, we often feel we have to protect. When we do, we stay in the past. Our present self no longer exists in the now. We can’t see the future from the present but only through our hindsight, which frames out good potential and elevates potential fears. When we go bigger than this, not just protecting our yesterday but when we have to protect something much older, it creates a gap between our present selves and the one we live inside our heads. It’s dysfunctional and disconnected.

Until I “caught up” with my past selves, I couldn’t find myself. Sobriety was a beginning point but not the goal. It’s both simpler and bigger than that. It was about finding me in this world, what I am, how I fit, and if I’m allowed to be here. It turns out we all are.