Name: Paule
It’s “Paul” but the “e” is free.
- Sobriety Date: 9/11/2021
- Favorite animal: Llamas
- Favorite color: Cyan
- Myers-Briggs: INFJ
- Spirit animal: Kierkergaard
- Dream car: 1964 Corvette (yes, without the split window)
Nobody would guess it from the title, but I’m a recovering alcoholic and pastor. Several years ago, my career as a pastor came crashing down when I spiraled into alcoholism. It was more than the loss of a career, reputation, or personal pride; it was the collapse of my identity as a friend, father, and husband—everything self-destructed under the weight of its inconsistencies and fallacies. The layers I had constructed, whatever shell of a person I presented, fractured because I had lost all control over myself.
Aside from becoming a Christian mystic, I’m a polymath and armchair philosopher. Other than recovery and pastoral subjects, I’m a fan of psychology, science (especially physics and neuroscience), philosophy, personal growth, and some biographies. Books may have to be the last addiction I break. Llamas are cool. While I enjoy nearly all animals (koalas are pointless), I’m a dog person. Humans are fascinating, and ideas just as much so. Plants, physics, and space are pretty neat. There are some random Rubik’s Cubes around my place. Techy stuff is fun for me.
Sobriety: More Than Just Quitting
My sobriety now almost feels like an afterthought, not that I don’t take it seriously—I do, very much. Recovery is ever on my mind. There are so many other things past just what causes us to take a substance to the point of death than just the substance itself. When I checked into rehab for the second time, I had just finished a five-day binge, showing all the classic signs of suicidality. After an ER visit, five more days on suicide watch, standing before a judge, and then off to another rehab the next day, the only firm conclusions I had were that I wanted to live and that anything had to be better than what I was doing.
Sobriety had to be something more profound, something deeper for me. The last part of the 12th Step in Alcoholics Anonymous states that, after an alcoholic has a spiritual awakening, we are “to practice these principles in all our affairs.” It’s taken a few spiritual awakenings to get over my old self. I’ve realized that my “problem” with alcohol was my problem with everything else. AAers like to say that quitting alcohol is easy; you just have to change everything. After more than three years of sobriety, I’m exhausted by how true it’s been.
Along the way, my faith, which was a struggle for me, before became real. Spirituality, something I felt I had to force, is now a part of me. The Holy Spirit, that thing I could never figure out, was just there one day. There was even a hypothetical, reverse-engineered giving of my life to Jesus. It took years of wrestling with several perspectives, therapies, theologies, and doctrines…on top of my ego and baggage, to get where I am and I’m grateful for every damned part of it.
My faith and understanding changed and grew. American Evangelicalism, where I came from, no longer aligned with Scripture or reality. The glaring errors, logical inconsistency, and distance from a historical understanding of Scripture and the love of Jesus were too fundamental and palpable. A lot of shame and fear had to be let go of while wrangling a panicked mania of being labeled a heretic or shunned by Evangelical peers. Underneath on top of it all was my shame and fear, the things I knew I was but wasn’t being. The fear of success, a stupid thing, reared its head. To make it sound more pathetic, I also needed to get over my church butthurt…which was stupid. It’s been a process.
The Birth of Drunk Pastor
I needed an outlet. Writing helped me be accountable and get ideas out of my head. The idea for Drunk Pastor was pitched during my first rehab by a man dear to me now. During my second rehab, the head psychologist recommended something similar. It’s been a slow build and approach, but one needed and one that has refused to stop despite my excuses and feet dragging. Now, it’s here, whatever it is at this moment, and it’s becoming fun.
The topics will vary and questions be plenty. Sacred cows and “just need to have faith” are terms that can conceal idolatry, pride, and fear. Faith is about our life and practice, not blind allegiances to doctrinal concepts. Drunk Pastor is meant for those who are already here or are ready to be. It’s meant for those who aren’t afraid to ask some hard questions.
So, if you’re still reading, thank you for listening and already being a part of my journey.
Welcome to Drunk Pastor.
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